Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Breathe, Just Breathe...

A few weeks ago, I realized that I was suffering from a mild depression. I didn't want to get out of bed (and didn't a few days), I made myself sick because I was worrying about the silliest things, I was so irritable that Mark and I were always at was miserable. After talking to my physician, I decided to start taking Lexapro . It was more of a relief to me than anything else. I just knew that I needed a little help getting my emotions under control.

As with anything else, I have Googled Lexapro to death, trying to find out information on side-effects, pros and cons, and any other information that might be available. The one thing that I have noticed by doing a simple Google search is how many people suffer with depression. Most of the blogs I read are written by women who are on depression medication (some much stronger than Lexapro), and I have hit on so many more blogs that are written by people who suffer a variety of ranges of depression.

Thankfully, I know (hope) that my depression/anxiety is mainly circulating around school. I have put myself under so much pressure (on top of the pressure that comes naturally with school), and I know that I've caused most of this to come on myself. The problem is, I can't seem to pull myself up out of that fog. That's where the Lexapro comes in.

I have noticed that the Lexapro is working. I can sit in traffic and not yell like a raving lunatic at all of the idiot drivers around me; I can discipline Anthony without yelling (imagine that!); Mark can ask me a question about school and I don't respond with, "I'm going to fail everything, thank you SO MUCH for reminding me about that" (seriously? not failing). It's liberating.

What I HAVE noticed, though, is that I am experiencing one of the emotional side-effects listed with Lexapro. I have become emotionless about many things that I would normally be emotional about. I'm not a robot (which is what a couple of people have mentioned experiencing), but I feel like I'm close sometimes.

So I was actually a little excited today when I had a mild panic attack (yes, I'm weird). My professor mentioned that a test that we all had assumed would be online and open-book would, in fact, be neither of those things. In the middle of our break, I began to hyperventilate and freak out. I hid it well (thank God for bathrooms), but I was glad that I had actually acted like that as opposed to my new normal, "So what?" Thankfully, our professor rescinded his decision, and has decided that we may bring our notebooks into our final exam...phew!

Before you criticize me for wanting a notebook in this final, let me tell you that Microbiology in the laboratory is not based on memory. Almost all of it is automated, and I will be TOLD by a COMPUTER what organism(s) is/are suspected. The concept behind this class has been to be able to form an intelligent opinion based on the information we are given, and to know where to look for the answer as to what organism is causing an infection. We have rarely been expected to memorize reactions, and being told at the end of the semester and one week before we are to take the exam, that the test will not be open book...well it's enough to send almost ANYONE into a panic attack.

So, next week's exams will look like this:
Monday: Organic Chemistry then Organic Chemistry Lab
Tuesday: Hematology Lab Competency (basically: can I tell this white blood cell from that one)
Thursday: Hematology written exam

THEN I'M DONE FOR A MONTH! Christmas break, here I come!


Stacy said...

Ok - you are very brave. I would never have the courage to be so open.

I'm hoping you are feeling better - and I'm anxious for your school work to get over, too!

Andree said...

Nothing wrong with "happy pills" to help you make it through - it would probably make you depressed to find out how many of us are on the same thing. Mark may never want you to quit taking them - ask Darryl!!!!! Enjoying your pictures sweetie - get over your school work and then you can enjoy the festivities of the season. Take in all the wonders and enjoy. Love you - Andree